Rational-ista

Okay. I'm seriously considering abandoning this thing. I'm somewhat miserable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, apparently sugar withdrawal can take a few weeks, but I don't think I can get through it. I can definitely get on board with the working out 30 minutes a day. (However, yesterday, on day 4, I failed to do my 30 minute workout. Instead of spiraling into a pit of self-loathing, I am trying to focus on doing better today.)

But this no sugar-no white flour-no cow's milk thing is kind of painful; I'm not gonna lie. All I can think about are the food fantasies I'm having of what I'm going to stuff my face with as soon as February is over. So how is that any kind of solution to my need to eat less junk and more veggies? How can I make this Healthy February a long term positive life change if I can't wait for it to be over?

Perhaps I'm just rationalizing. And maybe I can just cheat (again, rationalizing). I don't necessarily have to throw out the whole plan just because I eat a chicken salad sandwich on sourdough from my favorite takeout restaurant. (It's an actual restaurant, I'm just willing to bet I've ordered delivery from them more times than I've actually sat down in the place. Whenever I call and give the lady my address she says, "Oh, hi, how are ya?")

I have a huge problem with perfectionism. Which feeds into my laziness. If I can't do something perfectly, I might as well not do it at all. So I'm faced with an interesting test of character with this whole Healthy February Thing. It's a test of my willingness to do-what-I-said-I-was-gonna-do-and-not-just-what-I-want-to-do, that's for sure, but my perfectionism. It's also making me look at that. Yesterday was somewhat of a success in dealing with this perfectionist monster because even though I failed to work out (a.k.a. failed to be perfect), I did not throw out the whole Healthy February. Not yet anyway. And not writing on the blog for 2 days in a row didn't keep me from coming back today and ranting about my lack of sugar craziness.

Sigh. No matter what I eat today, I'll consider it a success if I do the 30 minute workout. (Rationalizing!)

New Food of the Day: Vegan Brownie

You see how I just can't stay away from the sweets? But even I, lover of sugar, indulger of chocolate, found this brownie to be quite yummy. (I will not divulge the brand name here because, well, this girl doesn't advertise for free.) Made with agave and dark cocoa powder it definitely satisfied my brownie craving.

Caution: Sugar Withdrawal May Cause Bitterness

Today when I found myself craving a cheeseburger with french fries dipped in Ranch dressing, washed down with a root beer and finished off with anything that involves chocolate, I decided that I have no idea why I am doing this. I felt myself getting angry, or what my friend Erin calls "hangry" (the anger that comes from being hungry), thinking, "I was fine! Who says I need to eat healthier? This is crap. I give up."

But then I decided that being the expert procrastinator that I am, maybe I could put off downing the cheeseburger until tomorrow. I don't need to worry about doing this for a month. Just worry about today. Live for the moment. I could get hit by a bus and today would be my last day anyway. But then I thought, if I'm gonna die today, I definitely want to have a cheeseburger before I go.

I digress. Trying to move into a more positive light, I did have somewhat of an epiphany today. At lunchtime I had again waited too long to eat so I got really hangry, craving everything from donuts to Taco Bell to chocolate root beer (which I've never had, but I'm sure it exists and is delicious). But when I did eat, I stuck to the guidelines and ate the following: scrambled eggs, avocado with lime and salt, turkey with goat cheese, and then I finished off the "guacamole" with some corn tortilla chips. (Yes, I realize this is quite a random and weird lunch, but I'm still figuring this thing out.) And because I stuck to the guidelines, I felt happily satiated. What I did not feel - and here's the epiphany - was like I'd just eaten a dairy cow bomb and now needed to go hibernate for 3 months. So there's my answer, I suppose. The reason I'm doing this is to feel better and have more energy. And to not develop diabetes by the time I'm 30.

New Food of the Day: Almond Butter

I never ever thought I would buy this stuff, much less eat it, but despite the fact that I had to stir in the oily goop (which, I have to admit, was kind of fun), it's actually pretty darn good.

Day One: A Morning Run, Perhaps?

This is how I envisioned my first morning of Healthy February:

5:15 am - wake up
5:20 am - eat a banana
5:30 am - run for 30 minutes
6:00 am - make myself eggs (with olive oil, not butter) and eat them
6:20 am - shower and get ready for work
6:50 am - leave for work
7:25 am - calmly breeze into work with the contented feeling of knowing that I am perfect

This is how my morning actually went:

5:15 am - groan at alarm clock and reset it for 6:00 am while thinking "screw this running crap."
6:00 am - hit snooze bar
6:10 am - hit snooze bar
6:20 am - hit snooze bar
6:30 am - think about hitting snooze bar, but realize I only have 20 minutes left to get ready. Feel sorry for myself for 2 minutes before getting out of bed
7:00 am - leave for work and eat an apple and drink black coffee while driving
7:25 am - remember as I am climbing the escalator to work that they changed my schedule this week and I was actually supposed to be at work at 7:00
7:30 am - clock in and pretend like I still think I'm on time while secretly loathing myself

So this no sugar no white flour no cow milk thing isn't quite as easy as I'd hoped. And it turns out, I have no idea what I'm doing. I prepared myself mentally and emotionally for this big change; however, I failed to prepare my cupboards. I don't really cook. (Unless you consider boiling water and squeezing the cheese sauce out of the packet cooking.) So this afternoon when I went to the grocery store to try and scrounge up some lunch I left with turkey, eggs, 2 avocados, bananas, goat cheese (thanks, Cassie), and 4 ears of corn. Oh, and limes. Because apparently I'm planning to get through this month on guacamole and corn on the cob drizzled with lime juice. I heard once that's what those Weight Watchers people do instead of using butter.

But the day wasn't a total loss. I actually did end up running for 30 minutes, although it was at 3:45 in the afternoon instead of 5:30 in the morning. It was hanging over me all day. I dread working out like most people dread going to the dentist or, say, their loan shark when they don't have the money they owe them. I have this fear that it's gonna hurt. But then I did it, and 2 and a half miles later (yes, I only ran 2 and half miles in 30 minutes, just in case you didn't quite understand just how out of shape I am) I was left feeling great. Really, it's true what they say about those endorphins or whatever. I felt so good, in fact, that I had the thought that I'd actually like to do it again tomorrow. That is, until my alarm goes off.

Why Not?

It all started when we were out to dinner with our married couple friends. And by "we," I mean myself and my boyfriend. They were explaining to us that they had decided to do something called "Healthy January." Yes, one of those New Year's Resolution things where they had decided not to eat refined sugar or white flour for the duration of the first month of the year. Except, of course, during special occasions when they allowed themselves to cheat such as this particular evening when we were all devouring sticky rice at a lovely little Thai restaurant.

"So you can still eat fruit?" I asked.

"Yep," my married friend confirmed.

"So if you were to get a sugar craving, you could eat frozen green grapes. Those taste like candy," I offered. Yes. I was possibly considering this for myself.

In order for you to understand just how enormous it is for me to consider such a thing as, say, cutting out refined sugar and white flour from my diet, let me paint you a little picture.

My ideal homemade meal goes a little something like this:

- Grilled Cheese: 4 slices of mozzarella and 2 of cheddar melted between 2 slices of buttered sourdough bread

- Side of barbecue chips (preferably these kettle-cooked kind that for some reason my local grocery store has decided to stop carrying)

- 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew

Ah, yes. Mountain Dew. The Redneck Latte. Also referred to by a former coworker as "Frog Pee." It's got the most sugar out of all the soda staples (Dr. Pepper, Coke, Sprite). I know this because when I was around 11 years old, I checked. And then it proceeded to be my beverage of choice.

I'm not as bad as I used to be. There was a time when it was a daily occurrence to see me with a Mountain Dew in one hand and a bag of M&M's in the other. Unless it was time for lunch or dinner, and in that case replace the M&M's with a bag from Arby's, Wendy's or Taco Bell. But I've come a long way in the last year or so. Because just the thought of having a meal from one of those places makes my stomach turn. Except for Wendy's french fries dipped in a chocolate Frosty. (If the thought of this combination makes you shiver in disgust, you simply haven't tried it.)

And I don't drink Mountain Dew everyday anymore, either. This is actually pretty huge. And I didn't do it on purpose. It's because I got one of those "job" jobs that requires me to be up before noon everyday, so I started drinking coffee in the morning. With creamer, of course. And lo and behold, one day I realized it'd been weeks since I'd had a Mountain Dew. Whatdyaknow. Miracles do happen.

So now, as I'm listening to Erin and Aaron talk about the details of cutting out refined sugar and white flour from their diet for a whole month, I'm thinking, I can do this. A year ago I would have thought they were nuts. Just another couple that was jumping on this crazy fad dieting bandwagon. But after being tired and sluggish for I don't know how long, no matter how much sleep I get (and I could sleep FOREVER if given the opportunity), I'm considering this healthy eating thing. And I'm gonna do it for the month of February. Because I am a gifted procrastinator, so starting a New Year's Resolution Thing in the second month seems like just my style. And it's the shortest month of the year. That's not so bad. So I tell my boyfriend, who is on board to do it with me, and at this point we've got a couple of weeks to enjoy our sugary and refined floury friends. I'm almost feeling excited about it.

That is until I receive the following email from said boyfriend.

okay, here are "the rules."

no flour except whole-grain whole-wheat flour
no refined sugar except fruit
no cow milk (unless it comes directly from the teat...)

at least 50 oz water/day
30 minutes exercise/day

The 50 ounces of water a day I can definitely get on board with because I've been meaning to do this for awhile now. And since I've had kidney stones 3 times now, it's probably imperative that I drink a lot of water. (For information on how in the hell a 25 year old has already had kidney stones 3 times, please refer to the above paragraph on Mountain Dew.) And the 30 minutes of exercise everyday is, again, something I've been meaning to do. It'll be tough, but I think I can do it. (Running to catch the elevator counts, right?) But it's the third item down that really has my eyes widening.

no cow milk

Wait a minute, wait a minute, WHAT?????!!!!! No cow milk? Meaning that whole plan I had of putting milk in my coffee instead of creamer is shot to hell, no BUTTER, and, it pains me to even write it, no CHEESE????!!!!!!! I know there's all that stuff out there about how our bodies aren't meant to digest cow's milk and it's really bad for you and all that, and to be honest, it was something I was considering giving up at some point. But far, far, FAR down the line. No cheese? Really?

I'm so worked up that I'm actually considering writing a ranting email in response. Yes, that'll do it. Write a cruel and scathing letter full of curse words asking this guy exactly who does he think he is? Asking me to give up cheese. Ludicrous. But then I realize I kinda really like this guy (okay, okay, LOVE) and that's probably not in my best interest. And after a few hours of thinking it over, I must have been high on creamer or some other dairy product with sugar in it because I wrote back:

Let's do it.

So now I've decided to blog about it for the following reasons:

1) Everyone I know has a blog, and I want one, too.

2) I just finished Julie and Julia the book, so of course I've been temporarily inspired that I too can pull myself out of this useless feeling of "What exactly AM I doing with my life?"

3) It will make this Healthy February thing solve all of my problems:

- spending too much money on eating at restaurants and ordering takeout
- not exercising and feeling tired all of the time
- eating like crap and feeling tired all of the time
- getting headaches from not drinking enough water
- feeling useless (see reason #2)

Or I could crash and burn and by February 2nd find myself covered in the remains of a giant grilled cheese sandwich, watching 5 episodes of Law and Order: SVU in a row.

But who's to say, maybe I'll actually successfully get through the 4 weeks sugar, wheat (and, sigh) dairy-free and come out the other side a healthier person. Why not?